Dear Dr. Been There,
Thank you for the article, How Codependents Leave an Abusive Narcissistic Relationship. I am a 49-year-old single male who has spent the last 25 years reading everything I can to discover why I’m feeling what I’m feeling…why something’s wrong with me…my perceptions. In this last year I came upon something that I’d never considered before. A notion that at first was hard to grasp but gradually became clear. My parents are narcissists. Not just people with normal quirks and fallibilities, but narcissists. These are people who lie to you about yourself with no intention of cleaning their side of the street. Like the lifelong stuff that happen; there was lots of it. Well, at least my “shining star” actor father. My mother is his swooning co-dependent roady to the grave. She’ll back him up at all costs. We are..welI..we’re not even human…my sister’s and I that is. This realization is almost impossible to arrive at. A child of parents like this has a psyche which is specifically formed to negate the very thought, the very truth, the very cognitive connection that mom and dad are lying to them about themselves. In fact, it’s like having an implant that explodes with “emotional sickness chemicals” as soon as you get close to considering them. “Oh….wrong thought…” That implant I now recognize as shame and fear. The result is a silent hurt and rage which cannot be resolved. Like being raped or robbed—but unconsciously–or invisibly–where you can’t reach or detect it because they gave you the wrong word and cognitive associations with the crime they just committed on your soul and basic human dignity. Like a demon who won’t say its name so you can disassociate from it and know it’s not you. So, I understand the co-dependency issues...well...I mean I’m continuing to peel back the onion…I see this really is a futile fight...I can no longer drag home the invisible bone and feel the hurtful, angry heart…they really don’t want to play. I’m going to have to leave home in a way I don’t feel prepared to. I’m sad and scared but your article heightened my heart assuring me to “come on”…this way! Thank you
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Thank you for writing to me. Having your eyes opened and coming to terms with what happen to you growing up with narcissistic parents is a tough lesson. Saying no to your parents and disconnecting while you separate their issues from your own can be difficult. It’s a path to self-care that is well worth it and there is no right or wrong way in your healing process. There will never be a perfect way to deal with two parents that are narcissists. Your goal is to care for and love yourself. I am wishing you the best.
Roberta
