Dear Dr. Been There,
My kids spend 50% of their time with their father, who I believe is a passive-aggressive narcissist. I find myself doing damage control with the oldest, who is 14. I think he tries to use guilt and shame to control her. My real concern is with the youngest, who is 12. She is a people pleaser. This line in your article made me think of her: “They tend to never disagree and are the first to apologize when they are being abused.” She never disagrees, except with her sister. What can I do to help her? I don’t want her to marry someone like her father.
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I’ve worked with many parents over the years that have been in your situation and I have witnessed the powerlessness they feel. I am going to ask you some questions to ponder based on my experience. My questions are not asked as a judgment about you.
Fortunately, there is hope for resiliency in the children that have a sick parent. The most important protective factor in a child’s resiliency is having positive role models; preferably a healthy parent(s). You are the hope for your children’s well-being. Your sensitive child is learning how to relate to her father and future partners by watching you.
• Do you or did you have a voice in your relationship with your ex-husband?
• Are you modeling self-compassion and personal growth from your mistakes?
• Do you remind your children often that they are precious and not responsible for
the problems when you were married or for problems you may be having now?
• Are you completing your emotional work so your sensitive child doesn’t have to
do it for you?
• Do you ever complain to your children about their father?
• Do you ask your children for information about what their father is up to?
• Are there any family secrets nobody can talk about?
• Are you entitled to your feelings?
• Can you appropriately express your anger, sadness, frustration, etc.?
• Is it safe for your children to express anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety, fear, or
disappointment in your home?
When a child of divorce has at least one healthy safe parent they often learn to handle life’s realities and hardships well. Your sensitive child needs to see you model a self-compassionate, assertive, safe woman who does not accept relationship abuse. I am sending my respect to you for being concerned about your children’s welfare. Thank you for writing to me.
Roberta
