Dear Dr. Been There,
I am struggling with a mother who is a passive aggressive narcissist in denial. My father is an alcoholic and a puppet that she controls (which most likely stimulates his drinking.) I am the age of 33 and have had unhealthy relationships my whole life, unknowingly attracted to narcissists. I have been through years of therapy and realized my role as a codependent in both my dysfunctional family and love relationships. My awareness and perspective broadened and I found a man that compliments me, we married last year.
However, I still struggle with my mother as now that I am married feels neglected, as my time and attention to catering, pleasing and validating her self-worth has diminished. She plays the guilt trip with me, “I never want I bother you because you are always with your husband”, “I haven’t heard from you, and I would like to see my daughter once in awhile.” She likes to weave her way into my business make “suggestions” of what I should be doing. I tell her that her advice is not welcomed and she says, “I can’t say anything to you!” When it’s not her place to even intervene!
Also, she is always helping others, care taking and yet isn’t available to immediate family members that are in need. She enjoys feeling needed and being admired in the eyes of others. Everyone praising her how wonderful she is. She is a loving person, which I love most about her, but the facade in front of others seems very needy and not very genuine.
In addition, every holiday she doesn’t want to share with my in laws. She picks them apart, gossips and tries to make me agree with her and choose my parents company over my in laws. So instead she wants us to attend a separate party at my folks house to accommodate them. I stand up for myself and say no, this is our family now, we have to join together. She begrudgingly goes along, all the while finding faults and I can read her judgments on her face while at my in laws.
I feel that she wants me to share all of my feelings, that she wants me to be codependent on her, as she tries to drag info out of me even if I don’t budge, she is relentless in efforts and I end up exhausted and frustrated. She expects me to respond to her right away from email or phone, sometimes calling me twice at work and numerous emails too all in one day. I feel suffocated to the point where I retrieve and remove myself completely.
It saddens me that I can’t be close with my mom, as I love her dearly but I feel with all that comes with it, it is not healthy. I tried to address my concerns with her but it falls on deaf ears, in denial and deflects it onto me with guilt. I can’t talk to my dad because he has no voice and is codependent on her.
What do I do? How can I have a healthy daughter-mother relationship? How do I communicate myself so that she realizes the strain she has put on the relationship? Any guidance is greatly appreciate!
_________________________________________
Thank you for writing to me. I feel for you in your life situation. Giving ourselves permission to say “no” to what feels bad when it’s a parent is a sad situation to face. I think the profound sadness begins early in children of alcoholics and narcissistic mothers. Unresolved sadness from childhood can keep us stuck as adults. Children of alcoholics/narcissist’s learn quickly to deny this sadness in order to survive. This is how a high tolerance for emotional pain and inappropriate behavior begins to develop. In adulthood the unresolved sadness can get expressed as clinical depression, compulsivity, or even physical violence.
The rules in the alcoholic-narcissistic family system typically are: “Don’t talk,” “Don’t trust” and “Don’t feel" (Claudia Black). Don’t talk about the fact that you are scared, lonely, sad, angry, hurt and emotionally impoverished. Don’t talk about dad’s alcoholism or mom’s cruelty. Quite often these children grow up alone with the family secret while carrying the family pain. Children learn early not to trust because of the unpredictability of the parents behavior often combined with many broken promises. To feel the profound sadness of abandonment is too much for a child to process. The challenge as an adult is giving ourselves permission to have our feelings, express them, and set boundaries. The often unconscious buried fear of abandonment runs deep.
This is not a life sentence, you can learn new behaviors. The healing from childhood wounds is a process and sometimes we need to take a break from our family of origin while we re-parent ourselves and learn entitlement to our feelings. It sounds like in order to be with you mom and dad you have to except victimization. You are probably the only one who can change and you deserve to be loved in a healthy way. It starts with a commitment to be disciplined in your self-care. Invest in yourself. Learn a new language (read about alcoholic families and narcissistic mothers who try to get their unmet childhood dependency needs met through their children) for what has happen to you, so you are clear on who is responsible for what and clear on what you are letting go. This will allow you to release your resentments and be done with them. Give yourself permission to learn what is right for you and develop endurance for sitting with the bad feelings that come up when you are breaking the family rules. You might want to consider finding a mantra (i.e., “It’s not okay to hurt myself”) to repeat when the feelings of shame appear from setting a boundary. Feelings of shame (Who I am is bad) for taking care of yourself are likely when you say “no more” to your mother or say, “Dad I will not be around you when you drink.”
I really believe that coming out of the family system you described requires mentors and people to support your courage to experience the love and life you deserve. You will probably have to accept that your parents are incapable of loving you in a healthy way. We are really not made to solve our life’s challenges alone. As the saying goes, “It takes a village.” Please leave yourself open to finding positive parent roles models. I am wishing you an abundance of love.
Roberta
